Wearing your heart on your sleeve is asking for trouble. Being open to love's possibility is asking for heartache. Needing to love and be loved may be one of the basic human needs, but it can sure as hell make you sorry and play havoc with your emotions.

As if the recent loss of my grandmother wasn't enough to tilt my world off of its axis and make it whirl and twirl crazily to the point that I'm staggering and struggling to regain my balance, I'm hit with yet another proverbial ton of bricks . . . only this time . . . there is nothing left of my heart to even bear resemblance to the keeper of emotions such as love . . . It's been stabbed, beaten, bruised, stomped, crunched, and shattered, danced on, and handed back to me a lumpy, runny, pathetic mess of goo . . . all at the hands of the same guy. A guy I was with for nearly two damn years . . . had plans with. Real plans. Marriage, kids, house with a picket fence and a dog in the yard . . . I loved him madly . . . well . . . he wanted to help a friend of his out. She was told she had one year to have kids before a complete hysterectomy. So he had some frozen assets set aside for ME in the event that he couldn't have kids, done after a back injury and he had the fear of being unable to do that . . . and decided to use them to help her out. Ok, I decided to be the bigger person and say "okay do what you want, you will anyway" since he and I were at the time having a difficult time and were split up. We got back together the same day he told me he was thinking about giving her the frozen assets so she could have a baby. Well whatever . . .

I tried. I really did. I tried to be really okay with it but I see now I should have put my foot down and told him if he did it, we were done forever. Then recently, after my grandmother died, I found out it was successful and she's pregnant with twins. Bully for her. I realized I'd have to share the man I love with another woman, another set of kids. Kids that were his but would never be mine. I got upset, hurt, angry . . . and I was the bad guy for it. The other night he told me about chilling out with her cause they're friends and all . . . and started going into how excited and happy he was. And then he told me he mentioned to her to "be sure to tell him when the twins started to kick and move" because he wanted to experience what it felt like to have his child moving in its mother's belly. OH MY GOD, HOW could he have been SO DAMN STUPID as to tell me that after all the plans and everything else. I flipped out. Got really hurt and upset by that and finally after I calmed down, I reassured him I wanted to be with him and he reciprocated that he wanted to be with me . . .

Then when I woke up earlier in the day yesterday for work, two text messages were on my phone. One telling me he didn't think it would work and that he didn't want me resenting him and the kids (She's pregnant with twins, BULLY FOR HER) . . . which he KNEW would happen . . . another telling me that he was with her now, that he made it official, they were raising the kids together and that he and I are reduced to . . . BEING FRIENDS. I freaked out, started crying and everything. Called him. Left a voicemail. He TEXTED ME BACK . . . TEXTED!!!!! And told me "I love you but I don't think I'm in love with you." Could it get any freaking worse? Ohhh yeah . . . because he didn't have the guts to tell me verbally . . . because he CHOSE his FRIEND over the woman he CLAIMED TO LOVE!

No . . . I'm sorry . . . MEN DON'T DO THIS to women they love! They don't put them in such an awful position . . . of having to share their men . . . with another woman . . . friend or not! They don't ask their women to put up with having to be in this situation . . . and they DO NOT TURN AROUND AND CHOOSE THE OTHER WOMAN AFTER PROFESSING HOW MUCH THEY LOVE AND WANT TO BE WITH the one.

He didn't love me . . . he didn't love me ENOUGH to respect how I felt, to say "I'm sorry, I can't do this for you, my sweetheart would never forgive me. I'll help you find the right solution but this isn't it." He never could do that for me. NEVER. I loved. He didn't. And I knew, I KNEW I KNEW I KNEW . . . that I would lose him forever over his stupid decision. And that . . . is cruel. The cruelest thing of all is that he did not love me enough to stand beside me and help me through the hardness of having to share him with another woman . . . through the idea that our kids . . . would be competing with his other kids for his attention. And that's exactly how it would happen.

All he kept telling me was "I didn't have sex with her!" Like that's supposed to make it better! It's just as bad! He cheated on me by doing that. If he wanted kids so damn bad, his first kid should have been WITH ME, no one else. But whatever . . . I hope he's happy with the choice he's made because by the time he wakes up and realizes what a good thing he lost through his own stupidity, it will be WAY WAY WAY too late to redeem himself. It's too late now. I am NOT putting myself through this agony one more time. NO FREAKING WAY IN HELL.